


Lifeline

by crazyjane



Series: SpookyVIXX October 2020 [7]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Counselor Hongbin, Gen, Phone Calls & Telephones, SpookyVIXX October, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:01:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26998603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane
Summary: 'SOS Lifeline, can I help you?'
Relationships: Jung Taekwoon | Leo & Lee Hongbin
Series: SpookyVIXX October 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1955065
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	Lifeline

**Author's Note:**

> prompts: stranger + 'I have to.'
> 
> This work deals with suicidal thoughts. If you're troubled, please reach out for help either to friends or a crisis hotline.

Hongbin leaned back in his chair and stretched luxuriously, grinning as he saw the man beside him wince at the loud cracking noises which accompanied the movement. The sounds echoed in an uncharacteristically quiet room. He looked over at his companion 'Slow night,' he commented 'Pretty easy intro to all this for you, Sanghyuk.'

His newest partner nodded in thoughtful agreement. 'Yeah. Still, I'm not complaining. If this is any indication of what working here's going to be like - '

'Believe me, it's not.' Hongbin took some small satisfaction in watching Sanghyuk’s shoulders droop with disappointment, and wondered at himself. 'I wouldn't get used to it. We'll be rushed off our feet by four a.m. - when the clubs start kicking people out. You want a coffee?' he asked, moving towards the tea room. As Sanghyuk shook his head, the phone on his desk rang. He jumped and fumbled for the headset.

'Er .. hello? SOS Lifeline, can I help you?' Hongbin paused in the doorway to watch. For a moment he thought he'd have to step in; his eyes were a little wild. Sanghyuk seemed to sense his concern, because he took several deep breaths, forced his hands to stop shaking, and his voice shaded over from nervousness to professional concern. Satisfied he would be able to handle things, Hongbin busied himself with the coffee. By the time he returned to his desk, Sanghyuk had concluded the call, and was writing up a brief report. The perspiration on his face belied his apparent calm as he turned to Hongbin. 'Well, that wasn't as hard as I thought,' he smiled.

Hongbin fought an urge to shatter his facade with a few brutal anecdotes about some of the calls he'd taken. If he knew about the ones who were waiting for the pills to work, or who were holding the phone between head and shoulder because their hands were too slippery with blood, the ones who just wanted to tell _somebody_ about their pain before they died ... he grabbed his coffee cup and covered his anger by making a face as it burned his mouth.

 _What's wrong with me?_ Lately he'd noticed himself growing more and more callous. The people who trained him had told him he'd need to grow a thick skin to stay in this job, but he hadn't wanted to lose his compassion. That was why he'd gotten into it to begin with, after all. When had the endless round of tragedies and pitiful stories stopped hurting him? Relentlessly, he pushed the thoughts away. There would be plenty of time to think about himself when he finished the shift, he told himself, and resolutely ignored the voice which whispered that he never did, he just fell into bed and wiped his mind clean of what was troubling him.

By three, Sanghyuk was ready to climb the walls from boredom. Earlier diversions - office basketball, paper clip chains, re-reading the Call Procedures Manual - had palled, and he was now busily establishing himself as a thoroughly annoying person by reading out amusing quotes from the advice column of one of the fashion magazines left by an earlier occupant of his desk. Hongbin gritted his teeth, shifting irritably in his chair. There was no point trying to concentrate on the book he'd brought; so far, he'd read the same page three times due to the interruptions. With an exasperated hiss, he threw it down and swiveled to face Sanghyuk, intending to give him a piece of his mind.

The phone rang. Glaring at Sanghyuk, Hongbin reached for the headset, almost sorry that his intended scolding would go to waste. 'SOS Lifeline, can I help you,' he rapped out automatically.

There was a pause at the other end, then a man's voice said brokenly, 'I'm sorry. This was a mistake.'

 _Shit_. 'Wait, no, don't hang up, I ... ' Hongbin closed his eyes and made himself speak calmly. 'I want to hear what you've got to say.' _Oh, great, that sounds **so** fucking compassionate, well done, Hongbin._ He tried again; the phone hadn't been hung up, so there was still a chance. 'Why don't you tell me your name?'

Silence on the line. There wasn't even the sound of breathing. H _e's gone, you've chased him off, you **stupid** _... _ The caller spoke again, startling him. 'Are you sure you want to talk to me?'

'Yes, yes, I do,' Hongbin assured him. 'Please, tell me your name. Mine's Hongbin. Come on, talk to me.' He saw a startled look from Sanghyuk. Phone counsellors were supposed to be gentle and encouraging, and here he was practically badgering someone who'd called for help. For some reason, though, an urgency had gripped him, making him abandon the guidelines within which they usually worked. 'Hello? Are you still there?'

The phone shifted in the caller's hands, sending a soft hiss down the line. 'I'm still here. You can call me Leo. I'd rather not give you my real name.' Hongbin scribbled the alias down on the report form. He'd gotten away with it; the caller was going to hang around for a while at least. Relaxing, he slid down in his chair and tried to shape a listening silence.

'I .. I'm not sure where I should start. I've never done anything like this before.' Hongbin nodded. This was familiar territory. _First-timer. I'll have to walk him through it._ He opened his mouth to coax some information from the caller, but Leo was already speaking again.

'All right. Perhaps I should just tell you up front. I'm going to kill myself in a few hours' time. I wanted to talk to someone first, though.' Hongbin suppressed a groan. _Oh shit, that's all I need, another fucking suicide, why couldn't Sanghyuk get this one?_ Leo went on, 'You're probably thinking that I want to be talked out of it. I don't. I _am_ going to die, but I wanted company.'

Hongbin's feet beat an anxious tattoo on the underside of the desk. _God, I hate these ones._ 'Okay ... look, why don't you tell me what's bothering you? Maybe talking about it will help, maybe if you share your problems we can work out a better solution,' he stammered.

'What's bothering me? You couldn't begin to understand the misery my life has become. You're far too young, for a start.' Leo laughed coldly. The sound made Hongbin shiver before the words registered properly, and rolled his eyes.

'Well, okay, maybe I am, but you won't know until you try,' he replied, suppressing the desire to simply snark _okay, boomer_ , and disconnect the call. 

Leo paused for a moment. 'That was unfair of me. Forgive me.' Hongbin made a noise intended to convey acceptance. 'What can I tell you? Shall I tell you that I've lived so long, and watched so many people die, that I can no longer live with the loneliness?’ _What’s he talking about, he sounds old, but not that old_ , Hongbin thought. _Family tragedy? War, maybe?_ ‘And that I am a monster, a bringer of death?'

 _A what?? Oh boy, this one's going to be a lulu._ 'Leo, I know it hurts, but it isn't your fault. I know that you probably feel responsible, but sometimes nobody's to blame, it just happens.'

'You're not listening to me. I've killed people - hundreds of them over the course of my life.' Leo laughed bitterly. 'Night after night, I lure someone else away from the safety of their fellows, and I take their lives from them. I do it to survive, and I used to tell myself that it was unavoidable, and that made it excusable. It's just not possible to keep lying to myself, though - I finally had to admit that I _enjoy_ it. And that's not something I can live with.'

Hongbin sat in stunned silence. _He's got to be crazy, there's just no way I've got some serial killer on the line here._ Leo spoke his name softly, and he jumped. 'I've shocked you, haven't I? Now do you see why I said you wouldn't understand? You save lives every day - you're a kind of hero. I'm a murderer.'

An utterly mirthless smile twisted Hongbin's face. _If you only knew ..._ Without realising it, he was speaking aloud, his words dripping with sarcasm and bitterness, completely unaware of Sanghyuk's astonished reaction. 'A hero, oh yeah, that's me, a fucking white knight on the end of the telephone. Not including the failures of course, the ones you only hear about later, the ones who hang up saying you’ve helped and then go and do it _anyway_ , and you go home every morning wondering which ones you didn't get through to.' Sanghyuk leaned over and grabbed the mouthpiece of Hongbin’s headset, startling him out of his reverie.

'What the hell are you doing?' he whispered. 'Look, let me take the call. You've got to get your head together.' Hongbin looked at him dumbly, and started to remove the headset. His movements were arrested by Leo's voice.

'I can hear your colleague. Tell him that if he tries to take over, I'll hang up. I mean it.' There was a steel in his words that broke through Hongbin's bitter mood. He shook his head at Sanghyuk, and scribbled, _I'm fine_ on the notepad in front of him. Sanghyuk looked at him dubiously, then subsided, still watching him.

Leo was laughing again. 'How ironic - and how very fitting. You need help far more than I.' he sobered. 'I shouldn't have called. This is something I'll have to do alone, after all. I had no business trying to share it with anyone else.' For a moment he was silent, then a small

sound escaped him - not quite a sob, but some tiny, unguarded utterance of pain. 'I just wanted ... I wanted to be close to someone one more time, someone I couldn't hurt.'

Listening, Hongbin felt something dissolve inside him; the cynical, callous mask he'd constructed to protect himself was beginning to fail in the face of Leo's need. 'Hey ... ' he choked, and had to clear his throat. 'Don't hang up. Please. I'm sorry about what I said. I really do want to help you. Don't do it, there must be some other way.' He could hear himself pleading with Leo, and for the first time in months there was real concern, near panic in his voice.

'There isn't anything to be done, Hongbin. I have to. I can't live with what I am anymore.' The calm determination was frightening.

'I don't understand,' Hongbin stammered. 'You can't really think you're some kind of, of, serial killer, do you? Come on, people just _die_ , that's all.'

'Serial killer …’ Another short, rueful laugh. ‘Yes, I suppose that is what I am. Oh, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not deluded. I've had my teeth in too many throats, felt too many pulses falter and stop under my mouth ... I can't fool myself anymore.' A kind of yearning suffused Leo's voice. 'It's impossible to tell you what it feels like to drink the life out of a young man, to feel all that strength flowing into me ... I've heard it described as being like sex, but no bed partner I've ever had has come _close_ to touching the rapture of the kill - ' There was a clatter as he dropped the phone.

Hongbin sprang forward in his chair. 'Leo?' he shouted into the headset. 'Leo? Pick up the phone! Damn you, Leo, pick up the fucking phone and _talk to me_!' His hands gripped the edge of the desk. Beside him, Sanghyuk reached for the line which would connect him to the police's call tracing system. Hongbin shot him a furious look, and he set the phone back down, his disapproval plain.

Agonising moments passed while Hongbin alternately raged and pleaded. Part of him looked on incredulously; even in the early nights on this job, he’d never lost it. There’d been dozens of calls like this, and while he was never quite able to shake off the crushing sense of failure, he’d learned not to let it break him. Something about Leo’s calm resignation got under his skin, though, stripped away the calluses he’d built up. _Can’t lose you, too_. He was about to rip the headset off and hurl it away when he heard the slow movements of the phone being picked up again. 'Oh, God, Leo ... Leo, are you there?' he whispered fearfully. _Oh God, oh please, let him be alive, even if he's crazy let him be alive._ A tired voice replied, and he nearly collapsed with relief. 'Leo, don't hang up, don't go. Look - I'm not going to say I understand, but you obviously need help. You can't just go killing yourself, no matter what you might have done. Surely there's something worth living for, something that you can hang on to?' _This is all wrong, I should be controlling this, I don't know what to say to him._

'Something to live for? I don't know, Hongbin. There used to be so much that made this existence worthwhile.'

Gratefully, Hongbin seized on that. 'What? What made it worthwhile? Tell me. Tell me something that made you happy.'

'Poitiers - the Court of Love, that was a time when I was truly content. It was so beautiful, Hongbin. There's been nothing like it since. Noblemen used to come there to learn how to approach their ladies. We wrote books on the conduct of lovers, we taught them how to be poets and courteous warriors. The old aristocracy looked down their noses at us. They thought we were frivolous, that we set terrible examples for the young. I tell you, though, without us there would have been less light in the world.'

 _The **what**?_ The name sounded vaguely familiar, something he’d read in a book somewhere, perhaps. Hongbin frowned, thinking, then nearly let out an exclamation of disbelief when the answer came to him. _That was France, that was centuries ago ... no, don't think, just listen, you can think about it later._ 'It sounds ... wonderful. But it was a long time ago.’ _Understatement_ , he thought. ‘Tell me something more … recent? Tell me about someone special.'

'I remember Vincent. Poor, tormented Vincent. He had so much inside him, so much vision and feeling. It used to drive him into frenzies when he couldn't let it out on the canvas. He'd storm around the room for hours destroying everything he could get his hands on. Sometimes I barely managed to save his work. And always, afterwards, he'd come to me and weep into my hair.' Leo's voice thickened with unshed tears. 'He told me once that I was all that kept him sane. And still I couldn't save him. He was a long way from me when ... ' His voice broke. 'I couldn't be with him.'

'But he loved you,' Hongbin breathed, refusing to even let himself register the implications of Leo’s story. 'Oh, Leo, he loved you, and it wasn't your fault he couldn't hang on. You didn't fail him, you helped him, you did everything you could.'

'It wasn't enough!' Leo cried. 'I should have been able to do something for him.'

'You _did_ , don't you see that? He told you himself. Remember that.' Leo was silent. 'He wasn't the only one, was he? There were others like him, others who depended on you, who loved you. Weren't there?'

Quietly, Leo replied, 'Yes. There were. So many others. I can remember them all, the joy and the pain and all the dreams we shared. I tried to be there when they died, I held them, I ... closed their eyes.'

'Did they know about you? That you, uh, have to kill people?' He was vaguely aware of Sanghyuk’s incredulous look. _God, I don't believe I said that, don't think, Hongbin, just go with it._ There was no answer. 'They did, didn't they? And they still loved you.'

Hongbin was straining forward in the chair now, as though he could reach through the phone to Leo. 'They didn't think you were a monster. Were they all wrong, Leo? All of them?' Not waiting for an answer, Hongbin rushed on. 'You're not a monster. Monsters don't feel, and you feel so _much_.'

'I feel too much,' Leo whispered.

'But that's why they loved you, and why you loved them. I could hear it in your voice. You loved all of them, you were there for them. You're only thinking about how many people you've killed or let down. How many people did you make happy? How many times did you give someone a reason to live, just by being there for them? How can you even think of yourself as anything less than - than wonderful?'

A note was thrust in front of Hongbin's face. _You're buying into someone's psychosis. That's dangerous. Get him some help_ , he read in Sanghyuk's handwriting. He snarled silently at the other man, crumpling the paper savagely, then became aware of the silence on the line. 'Leo? Are you still there?' Fear clutched at him when there was no reply. ' _Please._ '

'Do you really believe what you're telling me?'

 _Do I?_ Hongbin stopped, closed his eyes, and forced himself to confront what he had been told. 'Yes,’ he said slowly, realising it was true. ‘I do, Leo, I do believe it. Maybe you do have to kill people, maybe you are some kind of vampire or something ... I can't tell you that's all right. But - ' he swallowed. 'No matter what else you are, I know you’re loved. In spite of what you are. And you love people, you help them. And when you weigh that against everything else ... well, doesn't that mean _something_?'

He could feel the prick of tears behind his eyelids now. 'You helped _me_ , do you even know that? You were hurting so much, but you still helped a complete stranger. You helped me remember what I'm here for. Please don't die, Leo. Don't give in. Stay.' From the other end came the sound of someone weeping quietly. 'Stay, Leo. People need you to live. _I_ need you to live.'

For a long moment, there were no words, then Leo whispered, 'I have to go now, Hongbin. It's nearly dawn.'

Hongbin screamed, ' _No_!'

'It's all right.'

'It's _not_ ,’ yelled Hongbin, ‘it’s not all right, you can't go, I won't let you - '

'Hongbin.' Leo's calm voice stopped him. 'I must go. I need to be out of the sun when it rises.'

'When the … you're ... ' Hongbin held his breath, hardly daring to hope.

'I'm going to stay.' Hongbin sobbed with relief. 'You said I gave people reasons to live. I don't know if I agree with you, but ... tonight, you have given me one.’

‘Oh god … Leo, thank you, thank you …’

‘Taekwoon.’ There was a smile in the other’s voice. ‘My name is Taekwoon. I must go. Good night, Hongbin. Thank you.' There was a click as the phone disconnected, and Hongbin slumped onto the desk. Sanghyuk was there in a moment, lifting him, gently taking off his headset and smoothing back his hair.

'Is he - will he be all right?' Hongbin stared at him blankly, then his words reached him. Slowly, he nodded.

'Yes. Yes, he will.' _And so will I._ He reached for him, wrapped his arms around his startled partner, and let himself cry.


End file.
